Watching What I Become

When I was at my heaviest I never thought of myself as fat. I guess that's one of the funny things about how we see ourselves, in a low point we often treat ourselves like we know we should be treated on the inside, but on the outside we sometimes can't portray that same respect. I'll explain.

At 370 pounds I knew that my inside's weren't that of a fat person. I would walk through the mall and see someone who was really overweight and think, "Woah, that guy's fat." Or, "Geeze lady, go to the gym." Terrible, I know. I think a lot of that stemmed from the fact that I was still in my very early 20's and the brevity of the weight I carried around hadn't really started to affect me in everyday life. I could still go out and play frisbee with my friends, or play basketball three nights a week. It was my way of saying, I'm just destined to be large. So on the inside, I saw myself as being much more in shape than what the normal person walking down the street would notice.

Slowly but surely what I see in my head, and what I notice in mirrors, or windows (yes, I often look at myself in the windows of buildings that I pass by, just to check) when I look in them is getting closer and closer. No more is there a fear of seeing a picture of myself and thinking, "Oh God, please don't let this be as bad as I think it's going to be. There is a calm self assurance there, and I really believe that is from the self confidence that knowing who you are inside and out has brought.

This next week we're heading to Arkansas to do a bit of backcountry camping. I'm excited to see what I can do with a 50+ pound pack on my back for 4.5 days, and if I can make it to the end of this cave we're talking about going to explore. That and seeing Bigfoot. http://www.gcbro.com/ardb1.htm, this site helps to explain a bit of the mentality that we're heading into this weekend with. It should be sweet.

More to come later.